Divorce ranks among the most stressful life experiences.

Divorce is always emotional, but in military families especially, timing can quietly determine who keeps jurisdiction, which laws apply, and how much financial ground you lose or protect before a judge ever weighs in.

Many know the emotional reasons a military spouse might file first.

But beyond emotions, strong legal incentives now drive more military spouses to file first. Understanding these legal advantages is crucial.

National research shows women already initiate roughly 69% of divorces in heterosexual marriages. Sociologist Michael Rosenfeld’s analysis of the How Couples Meet and Stay Together survey, covering more than 2,200 adults in opposite-sex relationships, found that wives initiate about two-thirds of divorces, a pattern confirmed in later summaries and national news coverage.

That’s the civilian baseline.

Military life introduces an additional layer:

• Custody jurisdiction rules that favor whoever files while the kids’ “home state” is still in play.
• School stability factors that give added weight to where children are currently enrolled and rooted
• Pension and benefit rules that can literally change the math depending on when a divorce is finalized

As a result, more military spouses are realizing they face structural legal incentives to file for divorce first, rather than risking a disadvantage in jurisdiction, custody, or benefits.

Author and former Navy spouse Heather Sweeney, whose memoir Camouflage: How I Emerged from the Shadows of a Military Marriage traces her own divorce and identity rebuild, has written candidly about the emotional side. She writes,

“I just know what it feels like to be in a slowly unraveling marriage… I hope you know you’re not alone.”

Why Filing First Matters More in a Military Divorce

In any divorce, the spouse who files first usually:

• Controls the timing
• Has the first real chance to choose where to file (within residency rules)
• Frames the initial story in the court papers
• Can ask for temporary orders on custody, support, and use of the home that often set a “status quo” that judges later respect in temporary and final hearings

In military divorce, this leverage becomes even more pronounced. Because military families may have ties to several states, you may legally be able to file in:

• The state where the servicemember is currently stationed
• The state where the non-military spouse lives
• The state the servicemember claims as their legal residence or domicile for tax and voting purposes, if residency requirements are met

Each state has its own rules for:

• How property, including military retired pay, is divided
• How alimony is calculated
• How child support and custody factors are weighed

It’s important to note that military divorce resources consistently warn that jurisdiction can greatly affect a case’s outcome. Filing first isn’t about being “the bad guy,” it’s about choosing the legal battlefield before someone else chooses it for you.

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Custody Jurisdiction and the “Home State” Clock

Most states follow the Uniform Child-Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (UCCJEA) to determine which court has jurisdiction over a custody case. Under the UCCJEA:

• A child’s “home state” is generally where the child lived with a parent for at least six consecutive months before a custody case begins
• Judges in that home state usually have priority to issue the first custody order
• If a child has recently moved, the prior home state may retain jurisdiction for a limited period if a parent still lives there
• While the law was meant to prevent interstate custody fights and forum shopping, in a military family where PCS moves are routine, it can create a countdown timer.

If you are the non-serving spouse staying put with the children while your partner prepares to PCS, a lawyer may warn that:

• Filing before the move can preserve your current state as the child’s home state
• Waiting until after the move can force you to litigate in a brand-new state, far from your support network and your child’s providers

For many military spouses, then, filing first becomes less about “winning” custody and more about keeping the case grounded in the child’s existing life.

School Stability, MIC3, and Why “Staying Put” Carries More Weight

School stability often plays a central role in custody decisions, especially for military children who already face frequent transitions.

Two frameworks matter here:

Best interests of the child factors

• Most states instruct judges to consider continuity of schooling and community as part of the best-interests analysis. That includes the child’s current school, activities, and support systems.

The Interstate Compact on Educational Opportunity for Military Children (MIC3)

• All 50 states and the District of Columbia participate in MIC3. The Compact does not decide custody. Instead, it removes barriers to enrollment, placement, attendance, and graduation when military children move due to orders or deployment.
• MIC3 guidance also clarifies that children living with a non-custodial parent or caregiver, with appropriate documentation, should not be denied school enrollment due to guardianship technicalities.

Together, these frameworks themselves mean that:

• Courts may weigh school continuity pursuant to state best-interest standards
• MIC3 can make it administratively easier for children to remain enrolled or move seamlessly, supporting custody plans built around stability

Therefore, filing in the state where the children are currently enrolled ensures those factors are evaluated by the court most familiar with their day-to-day lives.

Pension Division, USFSPA, and the Frozen Benefit Rule

Military retired pay is governed by federal law, but is divided under state divorce law. The key statute is the Uniformed Services Former Spouses’ Protection Act (USFSPA).

Under USFSPA:

• State courts may treat “disposable retired pay” as divisible property, but nothing is automatic.
• The “10/10 rule” applies only to direct payments from DFAS, not to entitlement.
• Courts must have USFSPA-recognized jurisdiction over the servicemember.

For court orders entered after December 23, 2016, Congress imposed what is commonly known as the “frozen benefit rule.” When divorce occurs before retirement:

• The former spouse’s share is calculated using rank and years of service at the time of the court order.
• Future promotions and additional service time are excluded, with only cost-of-living increases applied.

Timing matters. Filing before or after a promotion, PCS, or retirement milestone can materially change the outcome.

Former-Spouse Benefits: 20/20/20, 20/20/15, and the TRICARE Calculus

Beyond retirement pay, marriage and service overlap determine post-divorce benefits.

Under TRICARE rules:

• 20/20/20 former spouses generally retain TRICARE and base privileges unless they remarry or enroll in an employer-sponsored health plan
• 20/20/15 former spouses may qualify for transitional TRICARE coverage for up to one year

For some spouses, the issue becomes brutally practical: should you wait to cross a benefits threshold or file sooner to protect custody, finances, or safety?

Deployment, SCRA, and Why Waiting Can Backfire

The Servicemembers Civil Relief Act allows active-duty members to request a stay of civil proceedings when military duties materially affect participation. Courts must grant an initial stay of at least 90 days when statutory requirements are met.

Many states also follow laws modeled on the Uniform Deployed Parents Custody and Visitation Act, which generally:

• Prohibit permanent custody changes based solely on deployment
• Require temporary custody orders to revert after deployment unless doing so would harm the child
• This is why filing after deployment orders are issued can result in delays and reduced flexibility, just another reason why timing matters.

Heather Sweeney on Being the “Dependent” in a System Built Around the Member

Heather Sweeney has spoken openly about how military systems center the servicemember by default. She recalls receiving an ID card labeled “dependent,” saying,

“You literally get a card, and you are called a dependent.”

When she pursued a divorce, Sweeney realized Judge Advocate General attorneys provide only limited assistance and cannot represent spouses in state proceedings. This means divorce law falls under state law, requiring a civilian counsel who understands both the state and federal systems.

Her experience shows a core truth: the system was not built with military spouses at the center. Filing first is often about recovering your own identity, starting with your standing on your own strength.

Before You File: Questions to Ask a Lawyer First

This article cannot replace legal advice. It can help you ask better questions.

Jurisdiction and timing

• Where can a divorce be filed?
• How would PCS or deployment change that?

Custody and home-state rules

• How does the UCCJEA apply?
• What happens if one parent moves?

School stability and MIC3

• How does my state treat school continuity?
• Can MIC3 support a stable parenting plan?

Pension and benefits

• How would the frozen benefit rule apply now versus later?
• Do we meet any 10/10 or 20/20 thresholds?

Deployment and delays

• Could SCRA or deployment laws pause the case?
• Is there a smarter time to file?

Filing first isn’t a moral judgment. It constitutes a strategic decision in a system that rewards timing and knowledge. Protecting your family’s future is the most important thing.

Suggested reads:

• The Spouse Wellness Boom: From Cold Plunges to Wearables In the Age of Chronic Stress
• The Military Child Care Crisis Isn't New - But New Pilot Programs Could Reshape Access
• Debunking Top 10 Myths About Military Marriages