"WHAT I WISH MY FRIENDS UNDERSTOOD ABOUT MILITARY LIFE" FROM THE LENS OF AN ACTIVE DUTY SPOUSE
Military spouses are a force to be reckoned with. We uphold households, navigate busy schedules, hold our own successful careers, and more, while our counterparts are often away, serving overseas or in other states on trainings and deployments. When it comes to navigating the ups and downs of military life, we aren’t afraid to share our experiences, offer advice, and draw attention to important topics in the community, ranging from our PCS stories, to child care experiences, to employment advice. Collectively, we truly believe in the saying, “when the tide rises, all ships sail,” and we are committed to serving as a steadfast village for one another.
However, one of the key challenges that military spouses face is a sense of understanding from their civilian friends and networks. While we realize that the sincere intent to relate to and empathize with our lifestyle exists amongst civilian friends, there are some facets to military life that may be difficult to grasp without some explaining.
For this piece, we handed the mic to a group of current and former military spouses (Sarah H. and Chrissie G. in Virginia, Suzanne B. in Rhode Island, Caitlin H. and Kelsey D. in Maryland, Heather P. and Colleen R. in Florida, and Mandy D. in Georgia).
They shared with us what they wished their civilian friends understood about military life. Here’s what they had to say.
Military Service Members Don’t Intentionally Choose Work Over Family
Heather P. in Florida weighed in on the difficult balance to strike for most active duty families.
As a mom of busy twin ten year-old girls, Heather has learned to juggle the ever-changing demands of her husband’s military career with their bustling family life at home.
“My spouse does not intentionally choose work over family. Our marriage may seem unbalanced at times. We shoulder more than our share at home because the nature of my spouse’s job is so inflexible. This just comes with the territory.” - Heather P.
Those Friends Who Know How You Feel Before You Say It Are Invaluable
Caitlin H. in Maryland cited a challenging time for their family where her village of civilian friends showed up for her family in a big way, without her having to say a word.
“In 2015, our daughter Parker was hospitalized with a mystery illness when she was just three weeks old. Due to being under 28 days of age at the time of our admission to the hospital, a spinal tap was ordered.
As one can imagine, this was a terrifying week for my husband and I, who were stationed in Virginia Beach at the time, hours and states away from any family or reliable help for our other daughter back at home, who was just 18 months old at the time.
I was so grateful when a group of my girl friends from college came together and sent me a generous UberEats gift card, to lighten the load of figuring out what to eat while in the hospital, but also what to feed our daughter at home.
They ‘read the room’ and knew what we needed without even asking us to weigh in on what we needed. I will never forget this simple but incredibly impactful act of kindness.” - Caitlin H.
Heather P. in Florida explained how having friends who can help shoulder the load when times get heavy means the world. Sometimes, life as a military spouse can feel overwhelming. That's why having friends who know what you need before you say it can be a blessing.
“I need, and am grateful for, friends who step in to help shoulder and ease the load when I am tempted to grow resentful and frustrated. The friends that can “read the room” and know what I need, often before I can even verbalize it, are invaluable." - Heather P.
Kelsey D. in Maryland, a milspouse who has four school-aged children shared how the lack of a support system of friends who just check-in from time to time was really difficult.
“Not having a support system or family around at a given duty station when my husband was deployed was difficult." - Kelsey D.
Sacrifice is Required Even When a Service Member is “Home”
Heather P. in Florida elaborated on what life at home often looks like for spouses when their service member is “home,” but training for the next deployment or training.
“Sacrifice is required even when my spouse is not deployed. Military schedules are often inflexible, even when a service member is ‘home’ or on ‘shore duty.’ This results in the other spouse needing to shoulder the majority of logistics at home.” - Heather P.
My Spouse Supports Me the Best He/She Can From Afar
Fortunately, most service members do their part to stay clued in to the inner-workings of their families and households even while serving away from home.
Adopting a “team” mentality helps spouses back at home feel supported, seen and valued, even if from afar.
Sarah H. in Virginia shared her experience stating,
“I am not a solo parent. I am solo for long and short stretches but I still have the love and support of my spouse, even if from afar.” - Sarah H.
We Often Don’t Realize the Difficulty of This Lifestyle Until We Are Living It
One of the biggest misconceptions that military spouses hear from non-military friends and family members is that they, “knew what they signed up for.”
Mandy D. from Georgia shared her experience, that other milspouses can relate to. She explained that her civilian friends tried to empathize with her after her husband deployed, but they never full understood what she was experiencing.
“Yes, I knew he would deploy. No, that doesn’t make it any easier.
I know it is hard when your spouse travels a few days a month for work. Thank you for trying to empathize, but a 9 month deployment requires and takes an entirely different approach to endure.” - Mandy D.
Caitlin H. from Maryland elaborated on this misconception, sharing her experience.
“No, I did not ‘know what I was in for’ when I ‘“signed up for this.’
I did not sign up for anything. My spouse made an oath to serve our country, and I support that oath. I am learning as I go every day.” - Caitlin H.
We Often Put Our Hobbies and Careers on the Back Burner to Support Our Families
Many milspouses chose to serve their family while their husband serves, often putting their own hobbies or career on the back burner.
Caitlin H. from Maryland explained how choosing to support one's family instead of pursuing a career doesn't mean that you are less ambitious or qualified.
“If I have stepped away from my career to support my family, that does not mean that I am any less ambitious, qualified or driven than someone that does not.
Maintaining steady employment is one of the most difficult facets of being a military spouse.” - Caitlin H.
Licensed Social Worker Chrissie G. in Virginia elaborated explaining,
“Spouses with professional licensure (social workers, lawyers, doctors, and more) are state by state. The constant PCSing is not ideal for these professionals.
Often, they are forced to jump through tedious hoops with each move, despite being completely qualified. This takes up loads of time, money and energy.
When you are only on 2-3 year orders, and need 3-6 months on each side of a PCS move for settling in and packing out, this often feels like a wash or a moot point to even pursue at all.” - Chrissie G.
She summarized her thoughts with,
“So maybe the overarching theme is: a spouses professional goals are almost always at odds with the active duty service member's career. We don’t share this for sympathy. We are just being transparent with the reality of our sacrifices." - Chrissie G.
Kelsey D., who recently PCSed this month from Georgia to Maryland, echoed these sentiments in sharing the difficulties of carrying the load of PCS moves.
“Transferring all of the health care offices with each move can feel like a job of it’s own. Dentists, doctors, orthodontists, etc. I am currently doing this.” - Kelsey D.
Frequent Separations Force You to Let the Little Things Go
When your spouse is in and out like a merry-go-round, adapting to the changing schedules can be challenging, but also, the constant separations force you to try to let the little things go.
Caitlin H. weighed in on this in sharing,
“Separation does in fact make the heart grow fonder. In seasons of life when your time with your spouse is so limited, it forces you to be more intentional about considering the big picture and letting the little things go.” - Caitlin H.
Holidays and Sundays When a Spouse is Away Are Hard
Anytime your spouse is away on training or deployed is hard. This is especially true when they are away on Sundays or during holidays. This is when feelings of loneliness tend to hit the hardest.
Caitlin H. shared her personal experience, citing how grateful she is for her best friend, who would invite her to spend time with her family, always extending an invitation.
“Holidays, and Sundays in general, when a spouse is away on training or deployed are exceptionally hard. We appreciate being included in your family holiday traditions and celebrations in times when our own traditions are missing a key person.
Sundays when my husband was on deployment before we had children of our own felt very lonely. Most of my other friends spent Sundays with their families, at sporting events, church, and family dinners.
I will always be grateful for my best friend Jessica in Virginia Beach who would invite me to join her and her three kids for what she probably felt were mundane Sunday tasks: going to the grocery store, toddler soccer games, and walks to the playground.
But to me, having something to do on these days when I would otherwise be all alone made such a difference. Even if we decline your kind invitations, please know that we are grateful to have been thought of and included.” - Caitlin H.
Despite the Challenges, We Wouldn’t Have it Any Other Way
Military families often possess an unspoken bond that can withstand the test of time. A permanent “village” of sorts that becomes a second family to rely on, especially during challenging tours and times.
Caitlin H. summed up the sentiments of many military spouses in saying,
“We are grateful and honored for the opportunity to support our service members. Despite the challenges and times of adversity, I would choose this life a million times over any day.” - Caitlin H.
Suzanne B. in Rhode Island, spouse of a 30+ year active duty retiree that has lived all over the world with her family for military service, chooses to look at the glass as half full.
“I would encourage military spouses to embrace the excitement of experiencing life unknown and unscripted. Living overseas allowed my family to experience so many new things living on a base that was essentially a private gated community.
I was able to take up a job teaching English as a language to civilian Japanese nationals, which is something I would have never imagined or had the opportunity to do if not for our military service.” - Suzanne B.
We Sincerely Appreciate You Seeking to Understand Our Complex Lifestyle
The intricacies of active duty military life are complex and complicated, marked by seasons of challenge and seasons of ease.
In the midst of it all, military spouses are genuinely appreciative of those that simply try to seek an understanding of how it all works, and how to be of best support to military families.
In closing, Caitlin H. shared a message to all civilians who have taken the time to understand the lives of their friends or family members who have an active duty spouse.
“Thank you for seeking to understand a bit more about military life. We appreciate it more than you know!” - Caitlin H.
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